Found my home in the dark.

There is so much comfort in the darkness. The pain becomes numb here after awhile. It feels safe to get sucked into nothingness, to not feel anything. It becomes a habit to bury the memories deep. The happier ones deeper down than the tragedies. For the numbness fades with the memories of smiles no more.
Life feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, tired of all the frozen hearts and fake smiles.
The thrill of a jump into the nothingness below, exciting and terrifying at the same time.
The swirling vortex below the cliff pulls my feet down into it. Into a world of practised indifference.
A world, now a fort manned by thorny sarcasms, wily self depreciation and false confidence. The walls are not strong enough yet.
The weaker spots allows those blinding rays, not enough to weaken the walls but just enough to hurt my eyes. Those fucking rays kill me a little more than that suffocation from the closing walls.
I hate the weaknesses of the walls. Those tiny pin holes are going to be the death of me, not the constantly closing, claustrophobic fort I’ve built around.
I wonder how it will feel like when everything comes crashing down.My lips stretch into a smile with that thought. Death isn’t a punishment. It’s mercy.
Mercy from the vicious cycle life makes you run around and around.
I remember that part of my chest when it was light and free. A now foreign feeling. I hate that I remember it.
I like the way this darkness makes me hurt. Just enough. Just till the line I don’t cross to become insane. I like the pain and the numbness that comes after it.
It’s like how you feel when someone soothes your hurts. I like feeling I deserve all of this.
Secretly, I’m in love with, in awe of, the darkness. Because, down deep in my heart, I’ve always known light is not really my kingdom. Yes, I liked it. I wanted to thrive in it.
But I’ve realised I thrive effortlessly in the dark. Maybe it’s time I stay where I belonged.
The darkness is not for everyone, just the ones that can see clearly in the middle of it.

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